The Love Yourself Project: Entry #2

I'm a complainer. Not entirely, but there are always too many things that are wrong. I'm also into excuses. Reasons why things can't be accomplished. But that isn't what this entry is about. It's about delving into the reasons that I deem myself unworthy of love. Why don't I deserve that basic right?

When I was six years old, I learnt that affection could be a dangerous thing. That blurred lines could make you feel dirty, worthless and strange. I think that something changed that day. And throughout the years when things would happen, and men would creep into personal spaces, I memorized the patterns of emotion.

The Love Yourself Project: Entry #1

Welcome to The Love Yourself Project! Today I begin one of the strangest and most difficult journey's yet. This first entry is about restoring the balance in the way I see myself. Often times I can easily identify the things that I cannot stand about myself. It's simple. And it's definitely more than the number of fingers and toes I have.

When your partner has Borderline Personality Disorder

Before we start, let me just clear a few things. I am NOT an expert. I do not know everything there is to know about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BUT I am writing based on my own experiences during my two year relationship. 
Next, I should probably explain what BPD is:

"A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable or changing relationships
3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
6. Varied or random mood swings
7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9. Stress-related  paranoia or loss of contact with reality"
*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, published by the American Psychiatric Association

Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD is harrowing at best. At worst it can be toxic, demeaning and destructive to both parties involved. However, it is not impossible to have a successful partnership.
So! Here are a few tips from my heart to yours:

Disappearance: My unexcused absence

The mental truth, bipolar blogger, mental health, medical school

A few people messaged me, asking where I've been. It was strange because I was very convinced that no one really read this blog. I've been trying to come back for a while, to put into words why I left, and why it was so difficult to write during my time at home. This is not an apology. But I do owe at least an explanation. So here it is:

1. I was lazy. There was a period of time during which I was completely okay, but I didn't write anyway. It was an unproductive period. So I just decided to lay in bed.

Instinct (trigger warning for suicide)

mental health, the mental truth, depression, anxiety

I have a post in my drafts about self care.
But when depression crept up on me two days ago, I couldn't seem to find it.
Frankly, I didn't care. I couldn't seem to muster up the emotional strength to take care of myself. I didn't want to take care of myself. I wanted someone else to take that responsibility. So I gave it away to a well meaning boyfriend. And some other reckless habits.

I'm not better now. I'm not worse either. Just stagnant and teary eyed. But I've been wondering whose responsibility it is when my life starts to slip? I used to claim that it was me. That it was absolutely without a doubt my fault every time I slipped through the cracks. But the truth is that right now I can't keep myself afloat. I'm suffocating. I'm drowning. And I'm grasping at anything I can to avoid drowning. (Until it's 2:00AM and then I'm trying to drown. Hard.)

So what do I do? Whose hand do I hold? Who becomes responsible in my absence? Last night I prayed and asked God to make me happy. Just happy. It was a begging, pleading sort of prayer. I promised myself a while ago that I wouldn't ask for anything. But the pain was so incredibly deep. I was whimpering, groaning. I just needed it to stop.  I really needed it to end.

I understand how people commit suicide. I'm not going to pretend (like many do) that I understand everyone's reasons. There are far too many reasons. But pain I am sure, is one of them. It's the sort of pain that makes you crazy. It makes you lose the ability to think straight. It is vast and grey. The world is in a constant cloud and you're clawing, trying to see, trying to breathe.

The human instinct is to survive. It yearns to live, no matter how hard the heart yearns to die.
I'm relying on that instinct now.
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