The Love Yourself Project: Entry #2

I'm a complainer. Not entirely, but there are always too many things that are wrong. I'm also into excuses. Reasons why things can't be accomplished. But that isn't what this entry is about. It's about delving into the reasons that I deem myself unworthy of love. Why don't I deserve that basic right?

When I was six years old, I learnt that affection could be a dangerous thing. That blurred lines could make you feel dirty, worthless and strange. I think that something changed that day. And throughout the years when things would happen, and men would creep into personal spaces, I memorized the patterns of emotion.

The Love Yourself Project: Entry #1

Welcome to The Love Yourself Project! Today I begin one of the strangest and most difficult journey's yet. This first entry is about restoring the balance in the way I see myself. Often times I can easily identify the things that I cannot stand about myself. It's simple. And it's definitely more than the number of fingers and toes I have.

When your partner has Borderline Personality Disorder

Before we start, let me just clear a few things. I am NOT an expert. I do not know everything there is to know about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BUT I am writing based on my own experiences during my two year relationship. 
Next, I should probably explain what BPD is:

"A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable or changing relationships
3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
6. Varied or random mood swings
7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9. Stress-related  paranoia or loss of contact with reality"
*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, published by the American Psychiatric Association

Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD is harrowing at best. At worst it can be toxic, demeaning and destructive to both parties involved. However, it is not impossible to have a successful partnership.
So! Here are a few tips from my heart to yours:

Disappearance: My unexcused absence

The mental truth, bipolar blogger, mental health, medical school

A few people messaged me, asking where I've been. It was strange because I was very convinced that no one really read this blog. I've been trying to come back for a while, to put into words why I left, and why it was so difficult to write during my time at home. This is not an apology. But I do owe at least an explanation. So here it is:

1. I was lazy. There was a period of time during which I was completely okay, but I didn't write anyway. It was an unproductive period. So I just decided to lay in bed.

Instinct (trigger warning for suicide)

mental health, the mental truth, depression, anxiety

I have a post in my drafts about self care.
But when depression crept up on me two days ago, I couldn't seem to find it.
Frankly, I didn't care. I couldn't seem to muster up the emotional strength to take care of myself. I didn't want to take care of myself. I wanted someone else to take that responsibility. So I gave it away to a well meaning boyfriend. And some other reckless habits.

I'm not better now. I'm not worse either. Just stagnant and teary eyed. But I've been wondering whose responsibility it is when my life starts to slip? I used to claim that it was me. That it was absolutely without a doubt my fault every time I slipped through the cracks. But the truth is that right now I can't keep myself afloat. I'm suffocating. I'm drowning. And I'm grasping at anything I can to avoid drowning. (Until it's 2:00AM and then I'm trying to drown. Hard.)

So what do I do? Whose hand do I hold? Who becomes responsible in my absence? Last night I prayed and asked God to make me happy. Just happy. It was a begging, pleading sort of prayer. I promised myself a while ago that I wouldn't ask for anything. But the pain was so incredibly deep. I was whimpering, groaning. I just needed it to stop.  I really needed it to end.

I understand how people commit suicide. I'm not going to pretend (like many do) that I understand everyone's reasons. There are far too many reasons. But pain I am sure, is one of them. It's the sort of pain that makes you crazy. It makes you lose the ability to think straight. It is vast and grey. The world is in a constant cloud and you're clawing, trying to see, trying to breathe.

The human instinct is to survive. It yearns to live, no matter how hard the heart yearns to die.
I'm relying on that instinct now.
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Needy and attached: A look at codependency

I think I'm codependent.

" co·de·pend·en·cy
  excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support   due to an illness or addiction. "

It means I'm too attached. I need you too much.

These Painful Words

I'm mourning.
I'm mourning the loss of a fight that I fought for so long, it became habit. Comforting almost. But I lost. My brain won and I'm not pissed. I'm not angry, red with rage. I'm simply broken. I prided myself on brilliance. On intellectual prowess, but that has long since disappeared. I've scraped through each term, caring less and less about my grades. Caring less and less about my health. Caring less. Until one day I realized that I wasn't living, and part of me was actively trying to die. Desperation. Distraught. Destroyed.

Meeting me: On self discovery and self love

I used to laugh at people who said they were trying to 'find themselves'. I fondly remember my mother telling me that that was part of puberty. Self-discovery. But during my teenage years, I felt extremely self-assured. I was clear about where I was going and I felt even clearer about who I was.
I'm only twenty-two now (just in case I was starting to sound super old and nostalgic), but I feel like the person I was then has died.

Ready, Set, Goal! (My 2017 Resolutions)

I was drafting my goals for 2017 and I thought that I should share them with you! A lot of my goals might be strange, or typical, but I think that by committing to them publicly, it'll be a nice way of having some level of accountability!

1. Actively work at loving myself
2. Lose 60 pounds by exercising at least twice a week
3. Read 100 books
4. Work on my mental health: regular therapy, psychiatry sessions, and group therapy
5. Continue to work on my personal style - for eg. actually wear the perfume I got for Christmas

1.Attend church at least four times per semester
2. Do devotions once a week
3.Trust God to take care of me

1. Get all A's in term five
2. Score 250 in the USMLE Step 1 Exam

1. Deepen and strengthen my relationship with my boyfriend
2. Find and solidify a female best friend
3. Keep in contact with friends and pursue a tighter 'squad'

1. Get 10,000 page views
2. Gain subscribers
3. Make one weekly post
4. Find a blogging bestie

1. Save $1000TT
2. Find a source of passive income

As you can tell, some of my goals seem simple, while others bother on impossible. I was having a conversation with my mother a few days ago and she asked: "Do your goals have to be attainable?"  This was something that I had never really considered. At the end of the day, I feel like your goals should be of mixed intensity. Some should require minimal effort, while others test your faith. So if you're still drafting your goals, don't be afraid to stretch a little. Push yourself. Anything is possible.

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Welcome to 2017!

Welcome to 2017!
If you're reading this, congratulations! You made it. I'm glad that you get to experience another year. A new year brings opportunities for growth, fun and success.
This post is an ode to anyone feeling crummy, straight about annoyed, because you feel frustrated, stuck in the same place, and you're wondering why everyone else is getting to enjoy the 'newness' of the year. Well here's some truth: you are here, and you will have 365 opportunities for a new year. Now you're thinking, huh? But it's true. Forget new year, you've got a new day. Every day this year can be used as a starting point for something bigger, better, greater and nicer.
I hate happy, 'feel good' encouragement. I think it's cheesy, corny and ingenuine. So I won't lie to you and sell you a pretty dream. The reality is that for some people, this year will suck like hell. And you're going to get tired of fighting and striving. You're going to be hella upset. That's when you'll need to remember that you get a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh (okay, you get the idea) chance at starting again.

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