Instinct (trigger warning for suicide)

mental health, the mental truth, depression, anxiety

I have a post in my drafts about self care.
But when depression crept up on me two days ago, I couldn't seem to find it.
Frankly, I didn't care. I couldn't seem to muster up the emotional strength to take care of myself. I didn't want to take care of myself. I wanted someone else to take that responsibility. So I gave it away to a well meaning boyfriend. And some other reckless habits.

I'm not better now. I'm not worse either. Just stagnant and teary eyed. But I've been wondering whose responsibility it is when my life starts to slip? I used to claim that it was me. That it was absolutely without a doubt my fault every time I slipped through the cracks. But the truth is that right now I can't keep myself afloat. I'm suffocating. I'm drowning. And I'm grasping at anything I can to avoid drowning. (Until it's 2:00AM and then I'm trying to drown. Hard.)

So what do I do? Whose hand do I hold? Who becomes responsible in my absence? Last night I prayed and asked God to make me happy. Just happy. It was a begging, pleading sort of prayer. I promised myself a while ago that I wouldn't ask for anything. But the pain was so incredibly deep. I was whimpering, groaning. I just needed it to stop.  I really needed it to end.

I understand how people commit suicide. I'm not going to pretend (like many do) that I understand everyone's reasons. There are far too many reasons. But pain I am sure, is one of them. It's the sort of pain that makes you crazy. It makes you lose the ability to think straight. It is vast and grey. The world is in a constant cloud and you're clawing, trying to see, trying to breathe.

The human instinct is to survive. It yearns to live, no matter how hard the heart yearns to die.
I'm relying on that instinct now.
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3 comments

  1. Thank you for being so honest. This is so true.
    I struggle with staying "strong" and fail all the time, mostly on the inside where no one sees. Does God really have His arms of love and grace open to us? Was I even made to survive on my own? If only my heart would believe the truth of God's love...

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  2. You are so brave. I would never be able to write AND publish my struggles.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your continued support! I think that doing this is honestly therapeutic.

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