Needy and attached: A look at codependency


I think I'm codependent.

" co·de·pend·en·cy
  kōdəˈpendənsē/
  (noun)
  excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support   due to an illness or addiction. "

It means I'm too attached. I need you too much.


I noticed this when it was time to leave. I couldn't quite figure out how I would sleep.
Alone has become the loudest noise.
I sit here. Listening to music. Watching you sleep. Quiet. I'm going to miss this. Evenings of no talking, calm, relaxing. I'm scared to go home. Trinidad hasn't been home for a long time. They say that home is where the heart is. Then I won't be home till we meet again. I'll be waiting on peace. Waiting on you.

My therapist thinks I quit because of you. She thinks that I couldn't bear the thought of being apart, so I self sabotaged. It isn't true. But it could be. And that potential for doing something so radically destructive scares me. I've never wanted to be alive. Then somehow I found ,shelf in a sphere where your love filled corners of my mind. I've become addicted. Addicted to the idea that I could feel something beyond sorrow. Enthralled with thought that maybe my heart isn't entirely broken.

But I'm an extremist. It's always been all of me, my whole heart or none. And think I gave you too much, who loves someone with all their spleen? Who craves someone with all of their gall bladder? Body parts with no prior use, suddenly feeling renewed, a goal in sight. It crept upon me. But my whole body has started to be a celebration of your existence. I dint lose myself. I'm not sure I ever really existed. In between the pain and voices that aren't my own, I was lost, didn't develop properly.

So I guess I really am codependent. Is that what this is? I hear old rituals yell that you're not God. But this isn't worship. It's the power of warmth on a frozen heart. The power of care in a harsh hostile environment. That's what worries me. That I've come to need the attention too much. I've been here before. No human is meant to bear the entire weight of another. Our union too toxic, he fled and never returned. I need to be my own person, or I could lose you entirely.
Then I'll be homeless.
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